Ulterior Instincts

I am a very mean fellow.. sometimes. No, almost always. Yes, that is the truth.

However good I might be in X number of things, the fact remains that from within I am quite mean and ruthless. And the worst part is that I feel like I enjoy being so.

Often I find that my mood swings when I am unable to get to something I want to, or someone makes me feel bad about myself. Once that is done, I have often felt the anger and the negative intent corrupt all my positive side's efforts. And my conscience watches in silence. This might be due to the apparent difference in strength between my dark and shining sides.

This being a part of my nature from long back, and having been at the receiving end of lots of advisory sessions and bad experiences, I have been exercising severe caution in handling these instincts. But sometimes I feel my level of dedication is too low to make any difference.

But over the past three years, I had been strictly controlling such tendencies and almost felt like I had turned over a new leaf. But few 'leakages' here and there recently puts the things back in their original place. A deep cause analysis has shown increased stress levels as the culprit. So I had been actively defusing all unnecessary stress over various fields. I guess that sink needs to grow to suit my growing appetite for risks and associated stress.

Anyway I have decided to exorcise some of my own demons, and make myself a better person. As some great person once said. Know thyself first, then thou shall know everything.